The books all lie

People usually go one of two ways in who they trust: books or people. I'm a book person, where book includes scientific journals and the internet.

As far as parenting resources go, the internet is pretty cool. You've got your WebMD and your kellymom for the book afficianados, but then there are forums and facebook groups for those who like their info from people. It's full of folks who say what they like and like what they say, whole continents of people itching for a fight, and dozens of cultures and counter-cultures to pick from. Your computer is your catelogue, letting you pick what you want and ignore the rest.

Books are a step up in authoritarianism though. Somebody edited and published the words and you pay for the privilege that the bullshit was filtered out for you leaving you with pure unadulterated truth. The problem is that bullshit is what sells books.

Have you ever noticed that pregnancy and parenting books are written for first-time parents? That's because when it's your second time on the rollercoaster you already know that the books are full of it. New parents don't want to hear that every baby is different and that what works best is your instinct; they want a set list of instructions for how to deal with the major issues: feeding, sleeping, staying alive and making your kid smarter.

Let's cut to the chase.

Feeding: The only "choice" as far as feeding goes is to breastfeed. If the boobie bar isn't working out for you, by all means stock up on formula. Just don't choose formula because you are making a conscious decision not to do the best you can for your baby and if that's your attitude then why are you having a baby at all?

Sleeping: Your baby will sleep for 11-15 hours a day, but not in useful stretches that allow you, say, to take a shower or wax your legs. You can let your baby fall asleep at the breast for as long as you like, but until you stop you will feel obligated to have your boobs in attendance for every nap and bedtime which is not necessarily the best thing for your sanity. Your baby will learn to go to sleep without your boob if someone else regularly does nap/bedtime but may still always want you to put your boob in their mouth because that's just the way you do bedtime.

Your baby will sleep the best between 2 and 6 months old; 6-15 months is a bloody nightmare between teething, crawling, separation anxiety, pulling up, babbling, walking and talking. Controlled crying and cry-it-out teach your baby that there's no point in crying because mummy won't come. If you're cool with that, you'll get longer blocks of sleep than those who aren't. Eventually your child will go to sleep on their own and sleep all night in their own bed. They'll do it about as soon as you really want them to.

Staying Alive: Your baby teaches you exactly how much you have to baby proof. We have to nail things down or lock them away, but there are children out there who can resist the magnetic tug of a purse or laptop. Seriously. When in doubt, call the pediatrician or 911. This is surprisingly the easy part!

Making Your Kid Smarter: I have no empiracle evidence for this yet, but the parts of the internet I choose not to ignore say a combination of breast milk, Omega3s that aren't polluted with heavy metals, and actively engaging with your child seem to be the way to go. Lots of eye contact, appreciative noises when your child babbles at you, and keeping a mix of toys that challenge and recently conquered challenges to boost self-confidence.